I just need to go for it. That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. I haven’t written in a while. For some reason, for the last year or so, when I try to write, it feels like a chore. Not a chore that you easily do because it takes a few minutes, but the kind that you literally drag your feet to do and you have to make time for, like cleaning out the fridge. There was a time when I would write and words would just spill out of me. There was so much going on inside that the thoughts and words and life lessons had to come out. I wanted to remember them. I wanted to cling to them. I wanted to share them because maybe, just maybe, someone else was experiencing something similar and my words would let them know they weren’t alone.
Why isn’t it the same now? I’m still learning a ton, but the words aren’t spilling out. It’s like I have to try and pry them out and then make sense of them after the fact.
It’s a rainy day here, so I thought that maybe, enjoying the warm summer rain with a cup of my favorite tea (coconut green from Summit Spice), and a bowl full of blueberries might be the perfect recipe to draw out a few thoughts… and it does.
As the breeze blows across my face and the taste of blueberries linger on my tongue, it sweeps memories of sitting in my grandma’s house combing her hair to mind. We’d sit at the kitchen table, and as the morning light would flood in through the windows we’d talk about the birds as I got her ready for the day. I was writing a lot at that point. I was overcoming a loss in my own life and I was taking care of her, and everything seemed to hold some sort of intricate realization that I didn’t want to forget. I was learning new things about myself as I took care of her and even when she went into assisted living, caring for her was still something I learned through even though it looked different. A lot of new and beautiful things happened in my life even after she went into assisted living and through it all, I still spent time with her on a mostly weekly basis. She experienced those things with me in a way that nobody else did.
In coming to Connecticut, all of that stopped. Gabe and I are here for an amazing reason and we are excited to be investing in our future through his schooling, but most of my life looks nothing like it did when I was there. I was working full time, helping with grandma weekly, living in a place where nature was extremely accessible, and was part of a community that had been forged through sharing life for over a decade. In this new place, I have an abundance of time to pursue all of my creative endeavors, and it’s an amazing opportunity that I’m super grateful for. Yet, I feel the ache of missing home. Since we’ve been gone, my grandma passed away, and outside of returning for her memorial and being with family, it’s been hard to grieve. It’s been hard to grieve being in an unfamiliar place with people who didn’t know her and haven’t shared in those experiences.
I don’t want to whine or complain though. I guess my point is that it’s been hard for lots of reasons and that’s ok. We are far from home and still getting to know new people, and that is ok. It’s ok to have not found inspiration yet in this new place. We are outside our comfort zone in countless ways, and that is always where growth happens. There are lots of things to process in life right now and not finding the inspiration to write about it quite yet is ok.
“Praise be to…the Father of all compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Cor. 1:3-5
Something is inspiring though, is knowing that there are (and will be) those going through this same thing who need our love, compassion, and support. They’ll need the understanding of someone who has experienced the same thing and knows their ache without trying to fix it or minimize it. We have been comforted in our troubles and with that same comfort, we can comfort others. Why rain, tea, and blueberries? Because it’s the flavor of home.